Smashing Pumpkins

I want to write. I don't know what I want to write about in particular- But I just have this desire to spill the contents of my brain.

This is not an uncommon feeling for me. Actually it is something that has plagued me since I was a little girl. I was published once. Yes, I wrote poems, and one (about birthdays) was published in a little book called something to the effect of "Anthology of Poems..." something something.

From the time that I was young I have wanted to be a writer but have never known what to write about. When the time does come, that a letter needs to be written, or that I have a brief space in time when the thoughts in my mind make sense to me- Neat things generally happen. The planets must line up and pigs actually do grow wings and fly. (Similar to when the Boston Red Sox and The.... Phillies??? win the World Series. I'm still bitter.)

Someone said to me today "can you ever just stop 'feeling' for a minute?" I would LOVE to meet a person who can just stop feeling. I'm going to go ahead and be harsh and call that one of the dumbest things that I have heard in a while. Maybe it isn't, and perhaps I am just upset and "feeling" again. Blasted things, those feelings. Would it really be a good thing to stop feeling? Let's explore this thought.

"Feelings" are defined as:

/ˈfilɪŋ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fee-ling] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	the function or the power of perceiving by touch.

2.	physical sensation not connected with sight, hearing, taste, or smell.

3.	a particular sensation of this kind: a feeling of warmth; a feeling of pain.

4.	the general state of consciousness considered independently of particular sensations, thoughts, etc.

5.	a consciousness or vague awareness: a feeling of inferiority.

6.	an emotion or emotional perception or attitude: a feeling of joy; a feeling of sorrow.

7.	capacity for emotion, esp. compassion: to have great feeling for the sufferings of others.

8.	a sentiment; attitude; opinion: The general feeling was in favor of the proposal.

9.	feelings, sensibilities; susceptibilities: to hurt one's feelings.

10.	fine emotional endowment.

11.	(in music, art, etc.) a. emotion or sympathetic perception revealed by an artist in his or her work: a poem without feeling. b. the general impression conveyed by a work: a landscape painting with a spacious feeling. c. sympathetic appreciation, as of music: to play with feeling.

–adjective

12.	sensitive; sentient.

13.	readily affected by emotion; sympathetic: a feeling heart.

14.	indicating or characterized by emotion: a feeling reply to the charge.

So, moving along with the definition(s) of feeling, let's elaborate on what happens when you stop feeling...

You injure yourself or other people- Physically and potentially emotionally. For example, you are cooking let's say a pouch of Ramen on the stove and you touch your pinky finger on the burner. If you have no feelings you would not feel the burning sensation (note definition number three) and would not know to REMOVE your burning finger from the burner before you are left with... Ew. OR let's say you are leaving a persons house with your hands full and do not FEEL the door close against you and let someone else's cat outside for her frozen doom. That would be horrific. Oops. There go those feelings again. We caught two of them there- Of object "a" not having the physical sensation of the closing door thereby causing object "b" (myself) to feel sadness and frustration over the aforementioned potentially harmed kitty. *sighs*

I suppose that I always have been one to anger easily or hurt easily or even- Here comes that word again "feel" easily. It's in my genes, I guess. Really that's no excuse- But just how much is too much when it comes to feelings? How does one stop feeling? Something like that just sounds outrageous to me. Stop feeling... Foolishness. There have been times when I have thought that a person does not have feelings, only later to find out they do have feelings- Actually they are usually the more sensitive people that I have met in life- They have only developed the ability to stuff them into that dark, back closet that we all possess.

Ahhhh the closet. I once heard a speaker at an old church that I went to speak of the dark closet, and the darkness hidden within. The hurts, the "feelings", the trials of our lives that we never want to live through again. With me, I guess it is trial and tribulations I would rather not continue to live through. My dark things tend to be things that I half-dealt with, and couldn't bear to follow through on. Old issues with my father, ex boyfriends, haha- Even bills. At any rate, she used to talk about how God wants to sift through the boxes and bags with us, put on a scarf or two- Even pay a bill. We just have to be willing to sit on the floor with Him, open the door, and let it all fall out. What a frightening thought that is to me, even now. Dealing I can handle I guess- It is the "all falling out" that hurts me. Knowing that I do not and cannot sustain myself, it is a scary thought. It is a true thought. I am not my own, and I never will be.

Sudden sensation to pray.

Stay classy.

Rach