Perspective.

There is a tremendous part of me that will love him for the rest of my life. My heart, my mind, my soul; aches. At times, it dulls, and life goes on; and then a moment, a smell, a memory, I find my eyes welling with tears and mourning the loss of the best person, the most good, kind, understanding person that I have ever known. There is nothing in my heart that can make sense of what he has done. Simply a stillness in the very depths of my soul that says, "It is well" and an ache, the most splintering pain, that says, I cannot believe; I can not, accept, that he is gone. That he chose this life, this path. That he chose such darkness, over good. Over who I knew him to be. He abandoned everything that we knew.

There are times when I blame myself. There are times when I blame my son. There are times, when I wonder what if? What if I had asked him to stay? He would have stayed. I could have had five more years, maybe forever; but the fact remains, he chose this life.

Cookie cookie cookie starts with om nom nom

I've discovered the very best chocolate chip cookies recipe EVER. And by discovered, I mean, I have searched for years, until this recipe, and I will now, rest, in knowing that I have indeed found, precisely what I want. So without further adieu, as requested, I give you all, the best chocolate chip cooke recipe ever!!!! big thanks to my friend, mike, for sharing his momma's recipe with me : )





MAKES 1 1/2 DOZEN 3-INCH COOKIES

These truly chewy chocolate chip cookies are delicious served warm from the oven or cooled. To ensure a chewy texture, leave the cookies on the cookie sheet to cool. You can substitute white, milk chocolate, or peanut butter chips for the semi- or bittersweet chips called for in the recipe. In addition to chips, you can flavor the dough with one cup of nuts, raisins, or shredded coconut.

INGREDIENTS

• 2 1/8cups bleached all-purpose flour (about 10 1/2 ounces)
• 1/2teaspoon table salt
• 1/2teaspoon baking soda
• 12tablespoons unsalted butter (1 1/2 sticks), melted and cooled slightly
• 1cup brown sugar (light or dark), 7 ounces
• 1/2cup granulated sugar (3 1/2 ounces)
• 1large egg
• 1large egg yolk
• 2teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 - 2cups chocolate chips or chunks (semi or bittersweet)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. 1. Heat oven to 325 degrees. Adjust oven racks to upper- and lower-middle positions. Mix flour, salt, and baking soda together in medium bowl; set aside.

2. 2. Either by hand or with electric mixer, mix butter and sugars until thoroughly blended. Mix in egg, yolk, and vanilla. Add dry ingredients; mix until just combined. Stir in chips.

3. 3. Place heaping teaspoon-fuls of dough onto one of two parchment paper-lined 20-by-14-inch lipless cookie sheets, about nine dough balls per sheet. Smaller cookie sheets can be used, but fewer cookies can be baked at one time and baking time may need to be adjusted. (Dough can be refrigerated up to 2 days or frozen up to 1 month—shaped or not.)

4. 4. Bake, reversing cookie sheets’ positions halfway through baking, until cookies are light golden brown and outer edges start to harden yet centers are still soft and puffy, 15 to 18 minutes (start checking at 13 minutes). (Frozen dough requires an extra 1 to 2 minutes baking time.) Cool cookies on cookie sheets. Serve or store in airtight container

We love our friends!

It has been a while since I last posted. Mainly my fault, life has been busy and I just haven't had the energy to sit down and organize my thoughts, but more than that it's been a way of protecting myself from the over-spill of emotions as a result of the past few months. Let's start at the top, shall we?

We moved from our little farm house. We were renting it, it was needed. End of story. We moved to a city with a charming bohemian atmosphere that my husband and I both adore. We found a home church, made some new friendships, and honestly, couldn't be happier. : )

Upon moving we found that we were expecting our next child. Shock? Somewhat. We had been trying, and were obviously aware that such things could happen. We had decided to stop trying, after moving and seeing what stressful things would then follow. My health was a mess, our identity had been stolen, and there were some family issues which needed attention, not to mention the all-too-well-known unplanned financial crisis. Long story short, and without going into details- Our baby did not survive. It was a hard thing to swallow at first, but I can rest only in knowing that God is ultimately in control. There is not one thing that I can look back at in my short life thus far, and view it as contrary to God's will. He knows me, He knows my heart and my husbands heart. He watches over us and has a plan for us. I trust that, more than I trust my actual existence on this Earth to be anything more than a dream.

Now that we've been reacquainted. I love my friends. Oh how I dearly love my friends. This week has been the first week or so that I have allowed myself to have them again, and I couldn't be more grateful. : )

Yesterday I went for a jog. Yes, you read correctly. A jog. At one point in time I loved to run. Miles and miles at a time. I ran for fun, because it didn't hurt, and it made me feel free. After having a little boy, I've come to hate running. I hate the pressure that I feel in my chest when I do it, and how my running stroller makes my wrists and forearms throb. If I wanted that I would get some free weights. I hate the cracking pain that I feel in my ears as the wind hits them. Unfortunate for me, however, I hate being uncomfortable in my clothes even more than those things. And so, commence the running. In order to force myself to follow through with my promise to myself to lose weight, I told my friend Abby that I would be running to her home for a short visit. It worked. I ran most of the way there, and then most of the way home. I did walk up the steep hills, and that was a temporary compromise I granted myself for running against my will. Yes, I said temporary. Within a week or so, I hope to be running UP aforementioned hills. Give me time, give me time. : )

Today I was able to spend some time with Jessie and her love of a daughter, Nora. We went to lunch, took the kids to run around in circles for a while, and then went back to her place for what was supposed to be nap time. No such napping occurred. The kids jumped and clowned around for the greater part of what was supposed to be nap time. Oh well, I say. They will sleep well tonight. : ) I am still getting to know this little blog situation, so I apologize for the disarray of the photos. I tried, and sadly don't have ample time to spend making them look nice. There is a chicken pot pie to be made. : )

Love is a verb. So is friendship.

For weeks, months or even years now, I have found myself wondering if it is normal to feel as though you have to force a friendship to work. If you are a "bad friend" for allowing relationships to extinguish over time. There was a time- Up until recently where I would have said that indeed, a true friend tries, a true friend takes the time to be there, to take an interest in the others' life. I suppose that I still believe this, but perhaps it really DOES take two. I can't say that I am really speaking of any one relationship in particular, here. More a collection of them, in my own life as well as others. Sometimes I just.want.to.quit. I do believe that maybe that is the right thing to do, nowadays. Do I really need to TRY to be a persons friend, without the attempt on the other side? I think not. I think it should just be there. To aid in my reflection, I looked up the meaning of the word "friend" in an online dictionary- I found this:

"A friend is a lover, literally. The relationship between Latin amīcus "friend" and amō "I love" is clear, as is the relationship between Greek philos "friend" and phileō "I love." In English, though, we have to go back a millennium before we see the verb related to friend. At that time, frēond, the Old English word for "friend," was simply the present participle of the verb frēon, "to love." The Germanic root behind this verb is *frī-, which meant "to like, love, be friendly to." Closely linked to these concepts is that of "peace," and in fact Germanic made a noun from this root, *frithu-, meaning exactly that."

Really, exploring the definition helped me little. I just thought that it was neat. The one thing that did provide help of my concerns was this- The use of the word "verb". A verb indicates action. Love is an action, and the word "love" and it's close relationship to the word "friend" tells me that perhaps, I was correct. I don't need to be the charity friend. I don't want to be- I want to be the real friend. I want my loved one's to feel that they are loved- That I want to act out that love- Not merely keep up old habits.

I realized that my thoughts are convoluted. I realize that they could very well hurt a persons feelings. If that were the case- I am sorry, and you are better to just ask me about any concerns, as this is just another one of my over analyzed thoughts. : )

Lovely day today. We went to my home church for a picnic, and visit with some family and friends. It has been so long that I forgot how at ease I feel there. I miss the city. Even the somewhat city. Just get me out of this country-side already!!!

Abrupt closing here, but I am exhausted.

Over and out!

Rach

Peace

Today I want to talk about peace. Why? Peace is something that we are near commanded to have, but comes with such testing of such. I struggle with peace.

My husband is an irrationally peaceful person. By irrationally, I mean irritatingly peaceful. The world could literally crumble at his feet, and he would calmly bend over, and pick up whatever pieces he could, pat me on the back and kiss my forehead as it spins on it's axis of a neck. I suppose that I would have passed on by aneurysm by now had I not married him, because I am WIRED.TO.THE.CORE.

My intentions are always to help. To be "good". But even our most honest of attempts to help and be just, can be harmful.

Time out. Ironically enough, as I began to type this blog, I heard a chirping come from the kitchen, and upon walking out there, saw my kitten crouched in front of the stove. Chills went up my spine. Another chirp and I realized that there was SOMETHING under the stove. I jumped over the baby gate while sternly asking (which is just a nice way of putting "demanding") my husband to get up because SOMETHING was under the stove and I wished not to have another mouse massacre in this house. (We had a mouse months ago- Which our cat "took care of". It was disgusting). At any rate- He ever so calmly got off of the couch, moved towards the kitchen, and laid down to observe what might have taken refuge under the stove. I brought him a flashlight that he asked for and he again- Ever so calmly and smoothly removed the drawer under the oven. Out ran a little chipmunk- I screamed and yelled about the cat and the small vermin running about my kitchen, he with a type of ease that I do not possess, walked out to the porch to ensure that the small creature had indeed made his way out, and had it not, to catch him and make him his new friend. Me= Fretful, Husband= Peaceful.

Peace. When told about having a peace as a child I associated it with "shutting up and not being loud. As a teenager, with trust during times of turmoil. But it really is so very much more than that. Peace is letting go even during the calm, and knowing that God is ultimately in control, that your life is not your own, and that no matter what, He is just in all things. Peace is a character trait to me. It is a disposition- Not just a state of mind.

Paul said:

"For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."
Romans 8:6

You might not be a "spiritual" or "religious" person, but even the most impervious of agnostics or atheists can believe that to concentrate on one's circumstances or others' circumstances with such a tendency to become weighted is harmful for a persons well-being; Spiritually, emotionally, and even physically. You can be a part of a persons life, you can help without needing to take that burden, without forfeiting your own peace. You can be attentive to your own needs, and the needs of those you care for and love- Without forfeiting your own peace.

So what is really at the root of NEEDING to make things your own? Can it really be selfishness with the motive of being selfless? Is the attempt to be selfless for the sake of another entirely selfish? Are their "crosses" really ours to bear in the first place? What would really make me SO important and so strong to think that they are? Whose throne am I thrusting myself onto, to feel and act in such a way?

God desires peace for us. So that we can be better focused on sufficiently serving Him. So that we can be content in our lives with what we have. So that we can experience joy. All battles are not ours to fight, and even those that are ours to fight- They do not demand a heavyhearted reaction, but perhaps one that offers the circumstances up to Him, who can heal, who can work, who can solve beyond our wildest attempts and expectations.

Another attempt at making sense probably gone terribly askew. Felt good to get on the soapbox again, regardless.

Peace, man.

Rach

.Babies And Beaches And Mommies On Leashes.

Today was a fantastic day!

My sister Sarah stays with us for brief periods during the summer. Today was one of those days. She arrived here as I was waking up this morning. I woke up to tip toeing around the house, and shouts of joy at the rising of the sun, and the beginning of a new day coming from my beautiful baby boys room. Through barely opened eyes, I saw my dear sister walking into his room to grab him for me, and honestly thanked God for her in that moment, what a nice thought. I was already in preparations of getting out of bed, so I was obliged to let her go into our living room, and hang out on the computer for a bit while I got the bear-child ready for his breakfast.

My sister fed him breakfast as I got ready for our busy day. We had a play date previously scheduled with a close friend and her little girl, which my sister would be coming with us for.
We went to a lake about an hour away, and enjoyed nature and fun with the babies. It was beautiful. But alas it began to rain, thus ending our peaceful day at the lake abruptly. It was ok, the babies were getting restless anyway.

There is something to be said for living life spontaneously. I truly believed up until recently that there could no longer be last minute trips to New York City, or Philadelphia, or the shore. We definitely got lost at least three times today, but never severely. I enjoyed it. I forgot how much I loved going on car rides without a map- but only a destination in mind. There is some fun in not knowing EXACTLY where you are going all of the time. In not having to plan every minute of every day. I missed that. I missed waking up on any given morning, and having the world at my fingertips. For a while I believed that all of that was lost when we conceived and finally gave birth to our son. I was wrong. I am just as alive as ever. As is the rest of this world. There are of course limitations to what I can do- But never will I ever limit myself to the four corners of any room or building again for the sake of being normal, or for what any other mother would do. There are still adventures in this world for me, and even more so for my son. I intend to share them all, one city, one beach, one lake, and one lost car ride at a time : )

Skeletons and The Dark Side

This is going to be a very sad attempt at writing something interesting. Just a warning.

I realized the other day that people are not ALWAYS a result of their surroundings. As a child you search out for reasons that people are the way that they are. I suppose it's because you have some false hope that, despite biblical teaching and what most adults MIGHT tell you early on- Man does not have a sinful nature.

I've always been quite the cynic- Most of my life actually. I've always claimed to know and understand that the internal battle of all mankind is to fight this sinful nature, and thus blamed any persons ingrained stupidity and jerkiness on this natural desire to do wrong and be- mean. Someone steals something- Oh well- Jerk being a jerk, I suppose. Someone lies- Liar lying- That's what we all have to fight. They'll learn. It wasn't until recently that this actually hit home. That I finally stopped viewing mankind cynically, and started to view them as people- With or without God, who have a duty to mankind or God (should they choose to follow Him) to fight this "dark side".

I'm reading a phenomenal book these days. "Blue Like Jazz". The book targets this thought process and the fall of man, etc. It's interesting the way God touches your life. I was driving in the car with my sweet tempered husband the other day, thinking about a person I've known for my entire life that grew up in dark circumstances, but moved from them as a young adult. I always gave credit to them for being "less" dark than the place that they spent the majority of their life. This is the thing though- They left those circumstances. They were brought into a world that didn't HAVE to fear, that didn't HAVE to be angry or feel hurt, and chose to be and feel those things anyway. By choosing evil over good, they inflicted it on ones they claimed to love, and so goes the vicious cycle. A persons circumstances create who they become in life, no more than one rainy day among a dozen of sunshine create a horrible climate to live in.

I've always been told that life is all about how I perceive my circumstances. If I see God in everything, I can't possibly become the darkness that I grew up in. There have been times when despite KNOWING that God is in everything, that I have chosen not to see Him, thus telling myself the He wasn't there. He was. He is. He has to be for us to move forward in our battle against darkness. I believe that anyway. (And you should too.)

I have to admit, it took a great amount of pressure off of me, to live in a "darker" climate. I was no more than a product of- "Them", and their "them" too. And then after leaving "them" there were always more "them's" that I placed conveniently in my life to explain my own dark feelings and disposition. I know now, that it all comes back to me- Me and how I choose to live this life that He has given me. I can wallow in my past or I can move forward to light. I can hide in my closet with my skeletons, or I can open the doors empty it out, clean out the cobwebs and lay it all down, and grow from the hurt. It's no more difficult a decision to sit there in repetition of the people before me, than it is to choose a better life for myself and my family. God's grace and mercy are there for our hard times too. They are there for growing and healing. He wants that for me. For all of us.

I choose grace and love despite my dark closet. My prayer is that you can learn to too.